I'm back on program

My friend Mandy has decided to start weight watchers. Neither of us can afford meetings, but we are going to do it together and Firday mornings is our "weigh in" day. I have a scale of my own as does she so I have been giving her some of my material since I have some extra stuff.
Its difficult to do weight watchers without support... no, it's nearly impossible. I can't afford meetings and that just screws me up. Hopefully having a friend to talk to about it will help me.

As for swimming - I went on vacation and it threw me off. I have to get moving again and get back in the water.

I can do it - I just have to remember what I am doing it for.

Being Accountable for My Choices

I am learning that it is important that one be accountable for their choices. It is important to be able to justify why we made the choices we made. I have been contacted by someone I havent spoken to in 10 years. I happen to remember why we stopped speaking, but she does not. She also still thinks of me as the girl I was 10 years ago. I have responded to her emails and I feel that it is important for her to understand who I am vs. who I was. Part of what I have left out is the one thing I am ashamed of: my weight.
She already wants to see me when I go home for Thanksgiving. I have until then to loose some weight. I have been very lax these past few weeks. I have had other things on my mind. I have gained a good 50 lbs in the 10 years. I don't intend to try and loose all of that, but 10 or 15 would be nice. I will need to swim when I get back from my vacation and get back on the WW plan even if I am not going to meetings.

It's hard

Seasons effect me in different ways. In the summer it is really easy for me to go swimming because it is so hot out. Just being in the water is a nice change. At the same time, the last thing I want to do is cook during a heat wave. It just makes it hotter to have the stove or oven on. This past week has been a good example of this, the last thing I wanted to do was cook. I ate out two nights in a row because I was so hot. Also, being in the car means being in the AC. The winter will be the exact opposite. I won't want to swim because it will be so cold and dark when I get to swim and I will want to cook because the heat from the over and stove warms up the kitchen. It's just the way it is.
Today will be an interesting test though, it's cold out. It's only cold by summer standards - low 70s. After mid-90s all week, the drop is a shock to my system. Will I be tempted to head home and into my bed to snuggle or will I get my butt to the pool and suffer the chill that comes with wet hair? I have a little over an hour to decide...

It's over - I sang

I no longer have a weekend job. I am so happy to be able to say that, so happy to have that stress removed from my life, just so happy. As a result of this change, my whole routine has changed. Now that I can go out again I am. I can go out to eat with friends, go see movies with friends, etc. For example, on Saturday night when my last shift ended, I met some friends for a night of trivia at a local restaurant. They love to do trivia and took me with them this time. We ate dinner and sat at the bar for the night as the trivia games were played. It was fun, but I ate pizza and drank soda all night (which is better than alcoholic beverages, but still not as good as water). I realized this week that I am going to have to alter my eating again.
1) I have to take my swimming into account. As I said before, I am very hungry after I swim. Debra reminded me that I need to be prepared for the hunger. Since I am swimming every day I think I can use those activity points to add some food back into my diet (thank you weight watchers for allowing us to list activity points and then use them to eat more). I have hesitated to do this before, hoping I would loose weight faster, but I think it's more important to fit swimming into my routine properly. I am in week 4 and this is the critical week where I usually start cutting back on how often I work out until i am not working out at all.
2) I have to take movies and dinners out into account. I can not socialize and not eat. I want food when I see a movie, I want to enjoy myself when I go out with friends. I did this last year without a problem so I should be able to find a place for these activities now.
3) Having weekends free in general will effect my eating. I will not have the temptation and easy access of donuts, but I will have other things like boredom. I must return to counting points and keeping track of things.

Now that I have less stress I can also go back to my blog reading, something I have been very bad about over the past few weeks. It's catchup and comment time!

I just want to eat

I have not been very mature this week, I just keep eating. I am eating proper foods, but I am not controling it. I think it has to do with my frustration with time not passing fast enough. I have one more shift at my weekend job and these past few shifts, since I gave my notice, have been more stressful than any other shift. They changed my schedule at the last minute on last Saturday, the guy who covers me when I am on my break allowed someone to pump after their credit card was not read. I had to stop that drive off and then I had another one because he wasn't around to help me watch during a busy period. I just don't understand why they dont require prepaying pumps. I think it solves so many problems! Anyway, I am so excited about the last shift. I can ignore Dunkin Dognuts when I am not there all weekend.
I am still swimming. If I can get past the one month mark I will be very happy. I usually do not stick with workouts for more than a month. I think the key is to get obsessed with it - well for me it probably is. I have had to order a new bathing suit. The one I have been wearing is tearing at the bra lining. Its a brand new suit so I called Lane Bryant's Catalog (I will deal with that issue another day) and they are sending me a whole new suit. I selected a totally different suit, something with a higher neck. I am not use to a low neck line so I constantly feel like my boobs are popping out - it's not comfortable at all. The new one looked like it had a higher neck line so let's cross our fingers that it does. I am also getting better with my swimming. First, I am swimming 1200 meters in a little over a half hour now. My father swims about twice as much in 45 minutes so I want to be able to do 45 minute workouts and maybe do that many laps - especially by the time I go home to visit them again. I am also doing flip turns! This has been very difficult because it requires a certain level of stamina that I barely have. I am not struggling for breath like I was when I first started, but I am still not at my ideal stamina. As a reward for being so dedicated my parents have sent me some water gloves with webbing between the fingers. This will help me with my strokes, it will pull them through the water faster.
My swimming has also effected my eating and I realized that it was always like this. I leave my workout exhausted and starving. Making up for this has also caused the above problem. I just eat when I get home. Today is the first day I haven't brought food into the den after my work out. Maybe I can act mature for the rest of the week and not gorge after workouts.

The Stress....

I have been under a lot of stress for the past few days, mostly extended family related. I have been trying my best to not turn to food to help me through this and rather turn to something healtier. I admit I haven't been very successful with that goal. I have been swimming though and since my arms are no longer sore I have been able to swim a bit faster. By the end of July I would really like to have the stamina to do some flipturns though. I have also given my two week notice at my weekend job - the job where I spend much of my time eating donuts. I decided to give up trying to avoid them for the next three shifts because in trying to avoid them I just eat more. Maybe if I just eat donuts and muffins when I want them then I will be better off; I will do less damage if you will.
I have made a decision that I will probably not be weighing in until I am done at the gas station job. I am going to go to meetings for the support, but in general I am just going to avoid the weight in so I don't discourage myself. I just have to keep swimming and I eating properly the rest of the week. Maybe, if I feel as if it will be a good day, I will weight in this week. I just don't know right now... I have to get rid of the stress for the moment.

It's just not healthy

I happen to live with an interesting family situation. My parents and sister live on the other side of the country from me, but the rest of my mothers family lives less than 2 hours away from me (the closest being my grandparents who just live an hour away). As a result, I don't spend a lot of holidays with my parents, but rather with my extended family. I moved to Massachussetts because I had family here, family that is close to each other. When I came to visit as a child I always felt like I was missing out on something because I didn't live here. I am not sure what I expect from my extended family, but in the past 3.5 years that I have lived here I know that I don't like them or myself when I am with them.
For example, with my parents there is a more equal division of labor. My father is in charge of cleaning up after dinner when my mother cooks. With my extended family it's like they are stuck in the 1950s. The women do it all and then hire other women to help them clean up after a meal while the men just sit and watch TV. Every so often a man may help with something, but in general it's tv for the men. I am a feminist - I can't stand the idea of men doing nothing while women work. It shocked the hell out of me to see this when I first moved here. I would make a point of sitting with the men because I was going to protest the traditional gender roles. I hate sports, but damn it, I was protesting! Eventually I learned that if I drank to the point of being drunk it would silence the internal feminist and allow me to at least enjoy the evening and help. All the alcohol also made me hungrier and made me eat more at family events. It didn't help that they make enough food to feed an army, that they pick all evening and have multiple courses with long breaks between each one so we can digest and have room for more. The alcohol not only silences the feminist, but also the responsible eater in me.
Recently I have realized that I can't continue with this. First of all, it throws me off when I eat these big meals. It's not healthy for me to eat so much. Second, it's not healthy that I drink so much. Forget the issue of feeling I have to drink with my family, the calories in alcoholic beverages throws me off as well. Third, the issue of feeling like I have to drink is horrible - it's boarderline alcoholism. I don't usually drink at all so for me to go from zero to, what I call, familial alcoholism is not healthy. Fourth, the stress that comes out of these family events is not healthy. I am not necessarily a stress eater, but stress in general is not healthy.
So, the final decision is this: NO MORE. No more family dinners, no more drinking, no more over eating, no more stressing. Unless my parents are in town I will be avoiding all family events. I will still go visit my grandparents, but I am going to make other plans for traditional family events. First up, the Jewish high holidays. What usually results in about 3 dinners in two weeks will now be NONE. It's not like I even practice Judaism anymore - I am an atheist. I only go to the dinners for the food. Next, Thanksgiving: back home to see my parents. Third, Passover: I have been invited to visit my best friend next Passover. We plan on not doing anything, but we will be doing nothing together. Fourth, Mother's Day: in theory next year I would like to be with my mother for mother's day. The added excuse - gas prices are too high for me to just go see them for a simple dinner. If they actually want to see me they know where I live and can mapquest me.

Seeing the difference

Of the family photos at my desk, I am in all of them. There are two that are right above my computer monitor that show me when I started my weight loss in January 2004 and the other one shows me after 20lbs off 6 months later. The only difference you can see if in my face. In the later picture you can see some of the original lines in my face, those that had already lost the shaplessness of fat. I have high cheekbones, but you would never really know that. I remember last year when I had lost so much weight. I would look in the mirror and for the first time see the changes in my body rather than expereincing the change in size through clothes. I became bolder with my clothing at that time, something I have retained even as I began to put the weight back on and then take it off again. In picture one I am wearing a shapeless blouse and my hair is long. In picture two I am actually in formal clothing. Rather than black, I selected a bright apple red top and I went sleeveless. This was actually at a wedding and I started the evening with a matching shawl, but by the end of the night I was drunk enough to feel comfortable without it and to actually dance with someone other than my father (what, what, what?). My hair was short then and while it can be a pain to take care of, I think I like myself better thinner with short hair. I wish I had some extra money to get a haircut with because I think I am ready to chop it all off again. Actually, I am ready to return to that phase in my weight loss and then take it even further because I want to see what my face really looks like under all this fat.
My swimming is coming along. I have decided that if I can stick with it for over a month (until the end of July) then I will start investing money in it (assuming I have some to do so with).

New Goal Reached

I have been swimming for a week now and for a week I have managed to swim 1,000 meters. It was tough to begin, but now things are feeling much more natural. Now I just need to work on sticking to this workout so I can build more stamina. So I am canceling out one goal and replacing it with being able to do the 1,000 meters in a half hour. For anyone who may be curious what my beginners routine is, here you go:
Warm Up: 50 meters each Freestyle (Crawl), Breaststroke, Backstroke
Main: 100 meters Freestyle, 100 meters Breaststroke, 50 meters Backstroke
Using kickboard: 50 meters breaststoke kick and 50 meters freestyle kick until you have completed 200 meters (100 meters of each in total)
50 meters Backstroke, 100 meters Breaststroke, 100 meters Freestyle
Warmdown:50 meters each Backstroke, Breaststroke, Freestyle

I think this is a good workout for those who are just starting with swimming. Don't try to stick to the 30 minute time limit - I am only there out of luck and the reminants of my childhood swim team training.

Now all I need is this water proof MP3 player. Help me earn the money for it by clicking on the Google ads.

Thanks to everyone who sent me comments over the weekend, especially Rick! Congrats on your own signifigant weight loss. Your right, there is no magic dounut waiting for me. I have to bake it myself...

Post Weigh-In Reflections

I was down 1.2lbs today to bring me to my first 5 lbs. After all the swimming to make up for my dounut gorge last weekend I am pleased with the results. I am glad to finally reach one goal and be able to set another.
We had a meeting that was to focus on the cost of trying to loose weight - just the cost of food actually. It wasn't really inspiring to me, but like with all meetings, I had one nugget of knowledge to keep in mind. A lifetime member had come to the meeting and it turns out that she actually lost a significant number of lbs when trying to maintain. She explained that she ate poorly last weekend and made up for it during the week by eating less. Her point was that when you have been trying to loose weight for so long it is difficult to give it up. I thought this was very insightful and on point. Maybe this is part of the reason why people can't keep weight off. It brought to mind something a different leader said that a lot of people allow fat to become familiar. We don't know who we are without being fat. So much of my identity has to do with my weight - the way I interact with people, the way I define what I like to do; it all revolves around my weight.
Last year when I first started loosing weight I use to think that once it happened I would be a new person inside as well as out. What I have realized since then is that the weight loss won't magically make me a new person, I have to work just as hard at that as well. If I don't I will always be a fat girl - I will stop the weight loss and gain it all back because I can't remember being anything but a fat girl. In the end, I wonder if I will have a problem letting go of the weight loss process. I will probably be doing it for over a year and I will be comfortable with the process. Will I be able to give it up when all is said and done?
I have had a crummy day since I left my meeting. I was making a deposit of a paycheck that was not as large as I expected and some guy blocked me into my parking spot. He was actually the person behind me at the ATM. So I waited for him to finish before i got pissy. He took his time and when he got in his car he just sat there talking on the phone! I honked my horn, laid on it for a bit and he just rolled up his window and ignored me. He sat there for a whole minute blocking me in the spot. Some nice guy pulled up next to him and told him to move so I could get out of my spot. Thank you to that man, but what the fuck was up with the blocker? Please tell me why anyone would do that? I know i should presume innocence, but could someone really be that dense?
Finally, I want to say thank you to Debra who commented on my last entry. I like the idea of reverse anorexia. It also makes me feel better that I am not the only one with this kind of body misconception. I would love to hear from others who experience the same thing.

Uh Oh...

I will never wear a bikini, I have always known that and accepted it. Still, nothing prepared me for what I saw in the mirror at the gym. I was standing there in my bathing suit. It's a stomach control one, which doesn't really make a difference since my stomach is about the size of a mini-keg. Anyway, I look in the mirror and realize that I look like Violet from Willy Wonka, but when she's a blueberry. I am basically one large ball or fat with arms and legs sticking out (oh and a head). I was so shocked because I really have no concept of this. I actually think I look better than that.
Later I looked at myself with normal clothes on and I realized that the only difference was my boobs. They made a huge difference, but I still look like a keg, like poor blue violet. I wish I was a blueberry, then this body would make sense.

Last night I had another harsh realization- this is part of my problem. Most women see themselves as fat no matter what they look like. I know I am fat - I am over 250lbs. I just don't preceive myself as fat. I know I am not thin, but I don't see what I really am, how big I really am. If I could just get the reality into my mind I might find easier motivation to loose weight.
I have to wonder if I am alone with this. Are there other fat girls out there who also think they are thinner than they really are?

One more day of swimming this week. My shoulders are screaming in pain. I kept to my 1,000 meter goal yesterday and got to include some kickboard work in it. My shoulders thanked me for the small break. I didn't tell them that today they will be working harder than they would like as I bring in the bouy to do arm work. My arms will obey my command and stop hurting!

More on the swimming

My endurance shot up in one day - just enough for me to not gasping for air after every 50 meters. I managed to get through a 1,000 meter work out which I thought was pretty good for 30 minutes in my state. My new goal is to maintain that for a week and next Tuesday I will see where I am and adjust the goal from there.
Even though I just started again, my time with Weight Watchers may be coming to an end simply due to financial reasons. I have to see in the next few days if I can make it all work out, but one way or another my Chocolate Caramel 2pt. Bar fixation will have to end. It saves me $5 a week if I cut those out. They are delicious, but not necessary.
I don't want to quit the meetings. I love having the opportunity to weigh in each week on a trustworthy scale. I need the meeting to vent, get encouraged, or to just socialize with others in my situation. I also KNOW I can not do it on my own. If I could do it on my own then I wouldn't be in this situaiton to begin with. If Will Power burned calories I would be at least 2 sizes smaller by now.

I had a very stressful night last night and I am pleased to say I did not turn to food. What it all boils down to is family gossip, a large misunderstanding, and my mother being put in the middle of a situation that has nothing to do with her. I have grown very protective of my mother in the past few years. She and I live on opposite ends of the country and this has been very good for our relationship. I happened to have moved to where she would like to be, but my father's job prevents them from being here. I now see how her family is, how they treat her and how she belittles herself in comparison to them. They see her (and me) as bellow them because we are not wealthy. They see us as weird because we are (god forbid!) feminists who demand equality from the men in our lives (for me it often becomes an excuse to NOT have a man in my life, but whatever). They make her feel bad about being absent and are two-faced in general and last night I think my tolerance of it hit the fan. If it hadn't been for my general exhaustion I would have stressed about it all night, but I begged her not to allow herself to be placed in the middle of a problem the family was having with me. Her brother used it as a distraction from issues that are very important to my mother and it worked. As you can see I am still dwelling on it, but it has not resulted in eating to make me feel better. As I told a friend later, I want to just swim my cares away. It doesn't sound as fun as dancing your cares away, but I don't really dance right now. So I have one hour before I can swim and dwell all at the same time.

Animated Tuesdays

This is the second Tuesday in a row that I am FULL of energy. Usually at about 4pm I hit a mid-day lull. I want a nap, I don't want to do anything other than sit and watch tv, and often I do take a nap. Once I get to about 7pm the night owl in me wakes up and I have some energy again, but no motivation. Tuesdays have been different recently. Last week I came home from work, walked away the pounds, did my sit ups and realized I had not even broken a sweat. I went to a meeting and I was bouncing off the walls. Thinking back, I don't recall having eaten anything with sugar in it or done anything different. I thought it was just a much needed burst of energy reserves.
Today is Tuesday and I can already feel it happening. It is 3pm (ish) and I just took a walk to the other end of campus to drop some paper work off. Normally I would have the department secretary do this for me, but I didn't even consider such today. Granted it is beautiful outside, but normally I never go out without the promise of food (like next weeks ice cream social). So I plan on swimming again this afternoon. I have my swimming stuff in the car and I am ready to go (actually, I would love to blow off the rest of the day to swim). I suspect that I will find myself full of energy after as well, but will my current energy levels help me get through the work out? I am sticking to the same thing I did yesterday - just swimming whatever I feel like swimming for 30 minutes.
I just wish this energy lasted all week....

A harsh realization

I came to a very harsh realization today- an epiphany if you will. After my swim, before work, I realized that like with everything I have done in my life, I have to put my focus on loosing weight. I have to put my educational goals on serious hold because for the past 10 years I have used my focus on education as yet another excuse to not loose weight and take chances. I can't date, I have to write a thesis. I can't loose weight, work and school keep me too busy. I have the rest of my life for education, but if I don't loose weight and take chances with life it won't be a life worth dedicating to education.
So, out comes the goal list. I specialize at making lists; love it with a passion. So, here is another list for me:

Weight loss and health:
By July 11th:
- Be down 5lbs
- Be able to do 100 sit ups
- Be able to swim a 1/2 hour without gasping for air
- Be able to resist urge to gorge on donuts at work (theoretically, quit second job to avoid total temptation)
- Be able to do 2 mile walk 3xs a week

Taking chances:
By July 11th:
- seriously sign up for 2 online dating places with picture posted

Other than that I don't know yet, but I have less than a month so I must get to work.

Swimming my butt off

I swan my butt off today - well started the "butt off" process. To be honest, it kicked my butt. I am totally not in shape. Years ago I was a swimmer; not a very fast one, but in good shape and pretty good. I was on a swim team and could swim a mile. Then I got tired of swimming, of the obligation to go swimming, of the competition, of the coaches, of all of it. Eventually I stopped swimming and that was over 10 years ago. Needless to say, I gained a lot of weight since then and clearly have fallen out of shape.
So today I got up "early", talked myself out of swiming, talked myself back into it, got my suit on, and went to the pool. I am just impressed that I talked myself back into swimming. I was alone in the pool and I won't be able to swim on weekends due to the campus summer shut down, but I don't have a lot of time on weekends at the moment. Anyway, after 15 minutes of rejoining the gym I got into the water and realized that I have a lot of work to do. Now this is a Jr. Olympic size pool which means that each lap is 25 yards. To do a mile I must swim 72 laps or go back and forth 36 times. To swim 100 meters I must swim the length of the pool 4 times. So I swan 50 meters (2 laps) and was ready to die. TWO LAPS! I managed to do 18 laps in a half hour. That is 450 meters of swimming and every 4 laps required that I stop for 2 minutes and just inhale deeply for 2 minutes - no exhaling. That is how labored my breathing was.
I have to admit that it felt so good to be in the water, to be swimming. I took my time, but now I know what I need to work on and what goals I need to set for myself. So setting the goals will be the activity of the next week. I am also going to feel this for a few days. When I am walking - even when I am working out at the gym- I never feel the burn after the work out. I feel it while I work out, but that "new muscle" burn never happens. Today I felt it, I still feel it, especially in my arms. I am actually very excited about this! Tonight before I go to bed I have to remember to do my sit ups - I was at 50 on Friday.

Well, the bacon was worth it

Today was my weigh in and I am impressed considering my weekend bacon orgy: +0.2

It could have been a lot worse espeically considering that I refused to Walk Away the Pounds for two days in a row (Wednesday and Thursday). I was also impressed that, as I went to get some water after weigh in, I passed up not only a delicious looking breakfast sandwhich but some muffins, scones, and such. I planned on D'Angelo's for lunch, but I planned for it.

Our meeting topic was being assertive, asking for what you need to help you attain your goals. Well, its all well and good, but I live alone and all those close to me live elsewhere. I have to think of how to be more assertive, any reader please share any ideas on how I can more assertive when I live alone and have no real close friends around me.

I have a new Weight Watchers goal, a new reason to stick to loosing the weight - I think I would love to be a meeting leader! I thought about how cool it would be to share what I have learned to a live audience, to provide support. I think it would be a great job. I need to create an official list of goals and reasons why I want to loose the weight.

Also, my swimming stuff has arrived from home! My parents sent me my bathing cap, goggles, sun screen, and a now dead watch (waterproof for the swimming). Now I need to take my money over to the gym and get to swimming!

I Dont Eat at McD's

Between the movie Supersize Me and the book Fast Food Nation I have stopped eating at McDonalds. It has been almost a year since I indulged and the date I am basing it on was a "I need something to eat" moment where McDs was my only option. Before that date it had been 6 months since I had eated McDs. I simply refuse because of what I have learned about the way they treat animals, their employees, and their customers.
Now McDs has been the main focus because they are the easiest target, but my real goal is to give up ALL fast food some day. My count of the other poplular local resaurants:
-BK is 6 months (I had a whopper craving 6 months ago)
-Wendy's is about 3 weeks because I LOVE their manderin chicken salads
-Subway is a week because I enjoy a good veggie sub (and nothing else- I use to work there)

Other than that I am doing pretty well.
Today I saw an article about a new movie where a woman looses 18 lbs by eating nothing but McD's for a month. Now I am sure this is possible, but how likely is it? This is what I know:
- They have altered their menu to include healthier options
- They never forced anyone to supersize a meal
- They do offer a variety of sizes to allow you to control your portions.
- You exercise you can counter-act those calories you ate there

Here's what I know about me and many other people:
- Exercise is a luxury for some people or at least they think it is
- We seem to eat fast thereby not allowing our mind to register that we are full before we have stuffed out faces. As a result we eat more and feel worse after
- Back to exercise, people see it as a chore and are less likely to do it

Morgan Spurlock was just as right as Soso Whaley (creator of Me & Mickey D). Spurlock shows us what most people seem to be doing at McDs while Whaley is showing us what we can do with McDs. Yes, you can eat at McDonalds and not destroy yourself, but what I want to know is the reality of both arguements because I still feel that Spurlock was right.

Speaking of Morgan Spurlock, has anyone seen his new show 30 Days? I watched the first episode last night and loved it. It made me look around my apartment and realize the excess I live in. I think between my need for things and my need for food says a lot about me and my immaturity. I think its time for me to grow up and prove to myself that I am not a spoiled, fat brat.

Khaki Cropped Pants and Bras

Here is what I have noticed about my body - my first actual fat lose comes from my boobs, but it's short lived. I am only 5 lbs into my loss, but my boobs are already a tad bit smaller. I wish they would go away and take some of their butt fat friends with them. A year.5 ago when I first went on Weight Watchers the same thing happened. My lower half was second to start loosing and last was my stomach. This time I am being more proactive about my stomach thanks to my "100 sit ups" goal (now at a shockingly early 40).
Yesterday I came home from work full of energy. I did the 2 mile walk and didn't break a sweat even though I put more effort into it. I then did the situps with ease. Then I tried on clothes because I wondered if my tummy-control-panties made a difference. They do, but not in a way that makes me happy. I have these brand new pair of Khaki Cropped Pants that I bought for work and encouragement. They are a light linen and are perfect for hot fun in the summertime (tm Sly Stone). I have been paitent about fitting into them, its all in my rear end and stomach. There is no elastic in the waist band so they either fit or they don't. Well, with the tummy control panties they fit, but with a massive pantyline. It will be a no win situation until some but fat disappears or my stomach goes down a bit more.

Also, while i love the No Pudge brownies with the same passion I love all brownies, I am not too keen on the raspberry flavoring. This makes me sad because I love raspberry and brownies so I thought they would be heavenly.

Anyway, I am off to lunch - I am starving and have tuna.

Jolly Time Minis

My new favorite snack is Jolly Time Healthy Pop Minis.
Microwave popcorn is one of my favorite salty snacks. First, I like the butter already on them because air popped butter makes the corn all soggy. Second, it doesn't take as long as air popped. Third, the servings are all measured out for me.
These mini bags make popcorn even better because they are one simple serving - no measuring cups no intense math - just simple point counting.
There is 9 grams of fiber in each bag - thats a whole lotta fiber! As I understand it, Weight Watchers desires that I don't count more than 4 grams through. I did the math for both the 4 and the 9 grams. Based on 4 grams of fiber, it is one point for the entire bag. Basedon on the 9 grams of fiber, it is ZERO points! Well, it's more like .366666 of a point, but even half a point is good!
Plus the bag is the perfect size snack. I can eat a whole bag, feel satisfied, and cure salt cravings.
My word of advice on popping said bag- no more than 1 min and 45 seconds. I didn't think about it, set my microwave's popcorn setting, and a week later I still smell it and am washing it out of my microwave.

Diet Soda - It's a nasty habit

For the record, I hate hate hate diet cola. I actually hate any "diet" drink. I especially hate diet coke because of the nasty ass after-taste. Oh, you know it! When I was 15 my mother tried to convert me, but I gave up after a month because if I was going to destroy my body with syrup infested, carbonated beverages I was going to do it with the real stuff. I will add a note that my favorite said beverage is Cherry Coke, Dr. Pepper, and Chocolate and Vanilla Coke (both the chocolate or vanilla being added by hand, not by machine). I was excited with Coke came out with premade vanilla coke, but it left me feeling the same way I felt when I found a tupperware of my baby teeth in my mothers dresser. Don't ask what I was doing in her dresser - my need to snoop is another issue altogether.
So, Diet-Blog posted an entry about the relation between diet coke drinkers and being overweight and I really want to say that deep down I knew this. In the past 18 months have given up most soda in favor of water, apple juice, and decaf ice tea. Every so often OJ gets in there, but never a flavored water. I also indulge in cherry coke and Dr.P every so often. I am also interested in this Diet Coke with Spelnda, but I dont expect it to taste better than the crapfest called Diet Coke.
Back to the original point - it all got me thinking of the other obesse people I know/knew. One girl I knew in college, Tri we shall call her, was a diet coke adict. She bought cases of the stuff on a weekly basis. That was it though - that was her diet! What was the point then? Actually, many people I know do exactly that - they drink diet coke and eat whatever they damn well please. It makes me happy that I don't like diet colas, at least I can delude myself into thinking diet coke will help me loose weight. I still want to taste the slenda infused diet coke before I write it off - its always best to try something before you poo-poo it.

This Week - take 2

BACON! I am a bacon freak - I claim my passion for bacon. I love real bacon and I love turkey bacon. I prefer it cooked in a skillet filled with its own fat, but I will eat it microwaved. I detest processed, fake bacon bits, but I love real ones that are in surprisingly large bits. I love the fat, I love the meat, I love it all. I prefer a smoked bacon, mostly a maple smoked bacon. I can't stand overly fatty bacon. I never eat bacon because of this deep love for it.
My freshman year at college my roommate was a millitant dieter. She had lost over 100lbs herself and gave up all red meat as a result. She loved Snackwells (I recall that was the year they came on the market) with the same passion I have for bacon. Well, except that she use to keep boxes of cookies in her bed while I have never taken bacon to that place. The point is that she was fascinated with how food controls us through memory. We eat things for specific memory triggers. If this is true then my bacon love is a combination of denial and some other weird emotions. First, I am Jewish and while we were not kosher keepers, my mother did not care for pork products. This rule went out the window when it came to breakfast. Sausage and bacon were key parts of breakfast. We rarely ate them in the house simply because we weren't big on breakfast at the house, but when we ate out it was no hold barred. So there is the forbiden fruit element - I love it because I shouldn't. THe other weird emotion comes in from family camping trips. They were not my favorite family vacation, but breakfast ALWAYS included bacon, which is interesting since we were all Jews. Regardless, bacon reminds me of camping and despite my unhappiness at having been camping, I seem to enjoy the memories.
Today when I am comfronted with bacon my primal desires kick the crap out of any rational mind and I tend to overdo myself. For example, Sunday my book club met for brunch at a local restaurant. I reaffirmed my love for bacon by having more than a few strips. I also indulged in bisciuts and gravy (mmmm with the sausage bits), a cookie, an omlet (that I didnt finish), some fruit, potatoes, etc. I was proud that I didn't finish the omlette and that I included fruit (yummy summer fruits on the buffet). Normally I would have had the french toast, all of the omlette and much more bacon. I did well the rest of the day as well considering the size of my breakfast - snacks rather than lunch and a bagel for dinner. I just wasn't hungry. Also, the excessive heat over the weekend tends to make me more thirsty than hungry.
Today I also did poorly as I was too lazy to make myself dinner before I left for work (its a late night for me). I ordered in a sub and got steak and cheese rather than something a bit better for me. So I have decided that I am going to start the week over tomorrow... er tonight.
Step 1: have mom send me my swimming gear
Step 2: walk away the lbs tonight - even if its just 15 min mile.
Step 3: now that I have $37.50 for the gym membership I will join and go swim

I am climbing my sit up ladder. I can now do 35 mindnumbing sit ups. I look forward to the day when 35 will seem like nothing and 50 will make my ab(s) explode. There has to be some muscle growing because rather than one blog of stomach I now see some sort of tent like ab when I do my sit ups.

Tomorrow I will update you on my snacking at work saga - things are looking good thanks to some new options.

Weigh In

I weighted in today: 0.6
This was after my trip to NYC - it was a minivacation even though I was there for work. While I did walk the 7 miles (and over 5 more since i returned), I still ate a lot while I was there. So, to loose was very very good.

I didn't stay for the meeting, I had to be back at work. Honestly, I am still flying high from my last bit of motivation (see previous entry).

My bathing suit arrived as well - now I can go swimming to get some exercise. I need to come up with $32 though - its not a lot, but I dont have that much to spare at the moment.

New Motivations and NYC reflection

I rarely get to see all of my family. My father loves to play with his camera. As a result I tend to see more pictures of family members than actual family members themselves. Recently my Aunt S came to visit the family. Aunt S and I are very much alike - very independnt, but afraid of opening ourselves up to people. When we let people in we really do let them in, but it takes a while to get there. Also, we both seem to be afraid of men and use our weight as a sheild to avoid having relationships with men. I still recall her fawning over men, but never having a relationship. It bothers me that I am so much like her and it was my own re-realization of this that has helped motivate me to change my life. Aunt S currently live alone in the midwest and life has finally take a turn in a good direction for her.
Anyway, my father sent me some pictures of their visit with her. I saw a few things that really gave me new motivation to loose weight and get in shape. First, the arm fat on Aunt S is so bad that it looks like she has two upper arms. You can see the fat spilling out of her t-shirt sleeves. Second, on both my Aunt S and her sister Aunt A, is the full-frontal wedgie. Its when the fat on your theighs is so abundant and your pants are so tight it looks like you have a wedgie in front.
These pictures were so sad, so disgusting.
It gave me new motivation to loose weight and keep it off.

Sit Ups: 30 (goal is 100)
NYC Walking: 7 miles in 5 days
Eating in NYC:
- I only got ice cream once
- Dim Sum is steamed and most of what I ate had shrimp
- Tapas was probably not as good for me as I would like it to be
- I drank more water than I could count
- I did not snack, but at meals
- At the conference I avoided all the junk food except 1 small penguine gummy candy

I did come home and go right back to the 1 mile Walk Away the Pounds program, but thats just to get me back to where I was. Also, good choices have been made at the supermarket - turkey from the deli, no pudge brownies, etc.

A New Weight Watchers Meeting

I now have Fridays off at work. This will only be for the summer, but as a result I have opted to switch WW meetings to a Friday morning. Previously I have been to afternoon meetings; thats 2 meals and snacks into my day. It was no surprise to me that I took off, but I was happy to see that it was 3 lbs. Like a good Weight Watcher, I stayed for the meeting. I have to admit that the people at the meetings seem to blend into each other. Only two women caught my attention because they were the meeting talkers. Every meeting has one, a person who always has a comment, has to agree loudly, gets off topic easily, etc. When I get comfortable I can come close to being one of these people, but so far I have been silent unless the leader asks me to speak. So woman one is 81 and wanted to let us know that she was so glad to see younger people here trying to change their lives. Why was she called on? I have no clue anymore. Woman two, the real talker, even interupted herself with questions. First it was a question about an insurance company that gives coupons for WW; she wanted to know if they were accepted here. Second, it was how she had destroyed her book from the first meeting. She just never stopped talking and when she wasn't, you could see her desire to add something to the current conversation.
The leader of this meeting was a sub, the normal leader being on vacation. I liked her more than I have liked others at this location. She included people, allowed people to make comments, but did not allow others to dominate it. She began the meeting by discussing what we wanted to discuss. I liked that she was honest about eating, she said that we can reward ourselves with food every so often. What I didn't care for was that she was on the program to loose 25 lbs (granted it was 30 years ago that she did this). I felt I wanted to question her ability to support me. She made up for that with her comfort and for that fact that she has been leading meetings for year.
The main topic of conversation was summer BBQ eating. She made a few suggestions: bring something you like and can eat, plan ahead, etc. She let us know about Frenches Gormayo (I picked up the dijon flavor for some chicken salad I think I am going to make. While I was at the grocery store I FINALLY found No Pudge brownies! I picked up both mint and raspberry flavored to make in the VERY near future.

Goal for the week: To do better with the journaling, specifically - not forget it at work.
Also, I have a trip to NYC next week so I must plan!

Number of Points: Never Again

Weekend jobs, especially those that are second jobs, are really no fun. I do 8 hour shifts at my "career" and then more 8 hour shifts on the weekends. I get very little done and I eat like crap. The eating like crap problem arises more from where I work rather than the simple fact that I do work on weekends. See, on weekends I work at a gas station with a Dunkin Doughnuts in it. I have to pay for all the "gas station food": chips, soda, candy, sandwiches, etc. All the food from D.D. is free (with exception of a few things). When I started the job I "forgot" about my need to eat right and this is when I put back the majority of the weight I took off. I ate doughnuts, bagels, danishes, apple pies. I drank tea (decaf with splenda- my only "healthy" choice") and coolatas. I discovered that my body no longer enjoys digesting fried food as well. This cut out 99% of the doughnuts (I can still work with those chocolate cake ones). Still, would you pay money for food when you can get it for free? Would you prepare food at home when you can get it for free at work?
These two questions are my biggest problem. To answer the later question: no, I should not have to pay for food when i can get it for free. The answer to number two is: yes, I should still prepare food from home when I can get it for free at work.
Over the past few weeks I came up with a few solutions to my problems. First, I brought snacks from home to curb my general snacking at work. This did help cut down my desire to have doughnuts and such. I found that if I wanted something from D.D. I could just grab a munchkin and be content as well. Second, I made sure I brought lunch from home at least 1 day out of the two.
Ok, so cut to this weekend. My schedule was a bit different. Rather than working an 8 hour day shift, Saturday was an 8 hour evening shift (1-9). This throws everything off. I ended up eating my prepared dinner (at 3pm), all my snacks and then some. I was starving by 8pm and hunger makes me stupid. I ordered a sausage, egg and cheese on a something bad for me. This morning when I looked up the points (yep, a full day and then some later) I realized that there is no way to easily calculate them - they are that high. So, I added a billion to my journal with a note that says "NEVER AGAIN". I sort of realized this when I ate it, but I ate my urge. So, to combat this moment of immaturity I took it upon myself to find a better solution on Sunday. My solution was this: bagel and cream cheese are better for you. This is true; a D.D. bagel and cream cheese is better than a "heart attack" sandwhich. This is also a lie as one of their bagels is 6 points and their cream cheese is 4. Its not filling enough for 10pts. This also got a note in my jounral that says "NEVER AGAIN". So, now I have to find something to do with all the bagels sitting in my freezer. I may keep them, but only eat 1/2 of each at a time. My cream cheese is 2pts and that makes me feel better.
Still, this is a good step forward because these shifts at the gas station have been screwing me up... oh that and my normal lunch. It has more points than I realized.

There is always a first post

I am Sara and I am trying to loose weight. Not just 10 or 15 pounds, but 100 or more. Its going to be a long road and this is trying #2. I need more than just myself for support, so I am trying an weight loss blog.
Step 1: Re-join weight watchers
DONE! This was actually an easy step because I have done this before. It wasn't the program that was the problem last time, it was my motivation. Try #1 happened during a period when I was unemployed. It had time to devote to weight loss and eating properly and I had a roommate who supported me. All of a sudden I was working again, moving to a new town, not making as much money as I thought, and alone. Also, I went from a meeting I loved and a leader who cared to a meeting and leader that was overwhleming and anonymous. At my first meeting the leader ignored me and rushed through the program changes with me (I switched meetings as they switched programs). So it was just too much for me and I decided to try it on my own. Cut to 6 months later or now. I was on the program for about 6 months and lost 20 lbs, but off of the program I gained back 15. I threw my clothes away last time to prevent this from happening. Now my clothes are tight and uncomfortable. I, for the first time in my life, reacted and went back to WW. I can not do it on my own. I have nobody to be accountable too, no support system to encourage me (well, aside from long distance) - I need those meetings! So, I am back on WW.

Step 2: Down with work snacks
This is a two part goal because I currently have two goals. Part one is my main job, the library. While we have snacks on a regular basis, I have found it easier to control my snacking. Part is that I have to find snacks if I want them. I have also made, what I am calling, the never ending fruit salad. I bring some of it to work every day and eating it in the mornings. I have also started bringing my own afternoon snacks. It has helped, but I do indulge when something special is around.
Part 2 is my weekend job at a gas station/dunkin doughnuts. This is what I am having the biggest problem with. First, everything at DD is free for us except a few things. This means I get free doughnuts, muffins, danishes, bagles, coffee, coolatas. I have managed to reduce some of what I eat; instead of a doughnut I eat 1 munchkin, instead of a coffee I get a decaf tea, instead of a small coolata I get a kiddie size. Still, I should not really be eating the munchkin, danishes, muffins at all. Add to this that they trash leftovers at certain points in the day. I hate to see food go to waste (I should work on that too) and they will give me all the left overs if I want them. I tend to take home bagles and freeze them for breakfasts and danishes and bring them to the library on Monday, but its hard to limit myself to just these. I would love to just sit and eat all of it. On the plus side of this, I can not longer digest fried foods. I have at least another month at this job so I need to figure out a way to change this pattern. Maybe if it wasn't free I wouldn't be so inclined to just grab it.

Step 3: Exercise
Ok, this is getting easier and easier. First, I wear my step tracker. I just figured out that it isn't counting right so now it is adjusted and I am counting my steps properly. I am going to count by day from now on. I also got "Walk Away the Pounds" (both the 1 and 2 mile) on DVD. I have been doing the 1 mile all this week except on Fridays and weekends. I am aiming to do the DVD every day regardless of the exercise I get. Part of me wants to start swimming again, but I can't afford the gym membership at the moment and my suit is a skit one that is not idea for actual swimming. I am looking for a swimming suit to wear in the pool, but for now I am sticking with the DVD. At my first WW meeting, the leader spoke about doing something fun. I am going to put together a mix of dance songs I like and maybe start dancing around my apartment.

Step 4: Journaling
I need to start journaling my food and that is probably the first thing I forget to do each week. I even bought one that only requires dry erase markers. I am going to try and do it this week. No, I am going to do it this week!

Short term goal: 5 lbs