I will never wear a bikini, I have always known that and accepted it. Still, nothing prepared me for what I saw in the mirror at the gym. I was standing there in my bathing suit. It's a stomach control one, which doesn't really make a difference since my stomach is about the size of a mini-keg. Anyway, I look in the mirror and realize that I look like Violet from Willy Wonka, but when she's a blueberry. I am basically one large ball or fat with arms and legs sticking out (oh and a head). I was so shocked because I really have no concept of this. I actually think I look better than that.
Later I looked at myself with normal clothes on and I realized that the only difference was my boobs. They made a huge difference, but I still look like a keg, like poor blue violet. I wish I was a blueberry, then this body would make sense.
Last night I had another harsh realization- this is part of my problem. Most women see themselves as fat no matter what they look like. I know I am fat - I am over 250lbs. I just don't preceive myself as fat. I know I am not thin, but I don't see what I really am, how big I really am. If I could just get the reality into my mind I might find easier motivation to loose weight.
I have to wonder if I am alone with this. Are there other fat girls out there who also think they are thinner than they really are?
One more day of swimming this week. My shoulders are screaming in pain. I kept to my 1,000 meter goal yesterday and got to include some kickboard work in it. My shoulders thanked me for the small break. I didn't tell them that today they will be working harder than they would like as I bring in the bouy to do arm work. My arms will obey my command and stop hurting!
1 comment:
Hi Sara,
I call the phenonmenon of not seeing how fat I am "reverse anorexia," but it is probably just denial. When I am eating to my heart's discontent, I physically block out what I look like, what the food is doing to me both in the moment and down the road, and I honestly do not see myself as overweight as I am. When I eat properly and exercise, I see it right away and it's always a shock. How could I have not known? What allows me to go around the world so serene at such a large size? Where is my natural vanity? What is trumping all the girlie feelings I'm supposed to have about my body? Good questions, all. I'm in the process of answering them for myself, but I totally relate to your experience of just not seeing yourself as fat as you are. As an addendum to this weird body image skewing, part of what makes it so hard for me to stay on a diet is the unrelenting assault of what I really look like, which I cannot get away from when I'm not overeating. When I diet properly, it's like all the shame, embarrassment and guilt that I've blocked out comes rushing over me all at once along with that honest look in the mirror. I'm getting over that, though, in favor of healthy, steady weight loss and I'm glad you are too. Debra
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