A harsh realization

I came to a very harsh realization today- an epiphany if you will. After my swim, before work, I realized that like with everything I have done in my life, I have to put my focus on loosing weight. I have to put my educational goals on serious hold because for the past 10 years I have used my focus on education as yet another excuse to not loose weight and take chances. I can't date, I have to write a thesis. I can't loose weight, work and school keep me too busy. I have the rest of my life for education, but if I don't loose weight and take chances with life it won't be a life worth dedicating to education.
So, out comes the goal list. I specialize at making lists; love it with a passion. So, here is another list for me:

Weight loss and health:
By July 11th:
- Be down 5lbs
- Be able to do 100 sit ups
- Be able to swim a 1/2 hour without gasping for air
- Be able to resist urge to gorge on donuts at work (theoretically, quit second job to avoid total temptation)
- Be able to do 2 mile walk 3xs a week

Taking chances:
By July 11th:
- seriously sign up for 2 online dating places with picture posted

Other than that I don't know yet, but I have less than a month so I must get to work.

Swimming my butt off

I swan my butt off today - well started the "butt off" process. To be honest, it kicked my butt. I am totally not in shape. Years ago I was a swimmer; not a very fast one, but in good shape and pretty good. I was on a swim team and could swim a mile. Then I got tired of swimming, of the obligation to go swimming, of the competition, of the coaches, of all of it. Eventually I stopped swimming and that was over 10 years ago. Needless to say, I gained a lot of weight since then and clearly have fallen out of shape.
So today I got up "early", talked myself out of swiming, talked myself back into it, got my suit on, and went to the pool. I am just impressed that I talked myself back into swimming. I was alone in the pool and I won't be able to swim on weekends due to the campus summer shut down, but I don't have a lot of time on weekends at the moment. Anyway, after 15 minutes of rejoining the gym I got into the water and realized that I have a lot of work to do. Now this is a Jr. Olympic size pool which means that each lap is 25 yards. To do a mile I must swim 72 laps or go back and forth 36 times. To swim 100 meters I must swim the length of the pool 4 times. So I swan 50 meters (2 laps) and was ready to die. TWO LAPS! I managed to do 18 laps in a half hour. That is 450 meters of swimming and every 4 laps required that I stop for 2 minutes and just inhale deeply for 2 minutes - no exhaling. That is how labored my breathing was.
I have to admit that it felt so good to be in the water, to be swimming. I took my time, but now I know what I need to work on and what goals I need to set for myself. So setting the goals will be the activity of the next week. I am also going to feel this for a few days. When I am walking - even when I am working out at the gym- I never feel the burn after the work out. I feel it while I work out, but that "new muscle" burn never happens. Today I felt it, I still feel it, especially in my arms. I am actually very excited about this! Tonight before I go to bed I have to remember to do my sit ups - I was at 50 on Friday.

Well, the bacon was worth it

Today was my weigh in and I am impressed considering my weekend bacon orgy: +0.2

It could have been a lot worse espeically considering that I refused to Walk Away the Pounds for two days in a row (Wednesday and Thursday). I was also impressed that, as I went to get some water after weigh in, I passed up not only a delicious looking breakfast sandwhich but some muffins, scones, and such. I planned on D'Angelo's for lunch, but I planned for it.

Our meeting topic was being assertive, asking for what you need to help you attain your goals. Well, its all well and good, but I live alone and all those close to me live elsewhere. I have to think of how to be more assertive, any reader please share any ideas on how I can more assertive when I live alone and have no real close friends around me.

I have a new Weight Watchers goal, a new reason to stick to loosing the weight - I think I would love to be a meeting leader! I thought about how cool it would be to share what I have learned to a live audience, to provide support. I think it would be a great job. I need to create an official list of goals and reasons why I want to loose the weight.

Also, my swimming stuff has arrived from home! My parents sent me my bathing cap, goggles, sun screen, and a now dead watch (waterproof for the swimming). Now I need to take my money over to the gym and get to swimming!

I Dont Eat at McD's

Between the movie Supersize Me and the book Fast Food Nation I have stopped eating at McDonalds. It has been almost a year since I indulged and the date I am basing it on was a "I need something to eat" moment where McDs was my only option. Before that date it had been 6 months since I had eated McDs. I simply refuse because of what I have learned about the way they treat animals, their employees, and their customers.
Now McDs has been the main focus because they are the easiest target, but my real goal is to give up ALL fast food some day. My count of the other poplular local resaurants:
-BK is 6 months (I had a whopper craving 6 months ago)
-Wendy's is about 3 weeks because I LOVE their manderin chicken salads
-Subway is a week because I enjoy a good veggie sub (and nothing else- I use to work there)

Other than that I am doing pretty well.
Today I saw an article about a new movie where a woman looses 18 lbs by eating nothing but McD's for a month. Now I am sure this is possible, but how likely is it? This is what I know:
- They have altered their menu to include healthier options
- They never forced anyone to supersize a meal
- They do offer a variety of sizes to allow you to control your portions.
- You exercise you can counter-act those calories you ate there

Here's what I know about me and many other people:
- Exercise is a luxury for some people or at least they think it is
- We seem to eat fast thereby not allowing our mind to register that we are full before we have stuffed out faces. As a result we eat more and feel worse after
- Back to exercise, people see it as a chore and are less likely to do it

Morgan Spurlock was just as right as Soso Whaley (creator of Me & Mickey D). Spurlock shows us what most people seem to be doing at McDs while Whaley is showing us what we can do with McDs. Yes, you can eat at McDonalds and not destroy yourself, but what I want to know is the reality of both arguements because I still feel that Spurlock was right.

Speaking of Morgan Spurlock, has anyone seen his new show 30 Days? I watched the first episode last night and loved it. It made me look around my apartment and realize the excess I live in. I think between my need for things and my need for food says a lot about me and my immaturity. I think its time for me to grow up and prove to myself that I am not a spoiled, fat brat.

Khaki Cropped Pants and Bras

Here is what I have noticed about my body - my first actual fat lose comes from my boobs, but it's short lived. I am only 5 lbs into my loss, but my boobs are already a tad bit smaller. I wish they would go away and take some of their butt fat friends with them. A year.5 ago when I first went on Weight Watchers the same thing happened. My lower half was second to start loosing and last was my stomach. This time I am being more proactive about my stomach thanks to my "100 sit ups" goal (now at a shockingly early 40).
Yesterday I came home from work full of energy. I did the 2 mile walk and didn't break a sweat even though I put more effort into it. I then did the situps with ease. Then I tried on clothes because I wondered if my tummy-control-panties made a difference. They do, but not in a way that makes me happy. I have these brand new pair of Khaki Cropped Pants that I bought for work and encouragement. They are a light linen and are perfect for hot fun in the summertime (tm Sly Stone). I have been paitent about fitting into them, its all in my rear end and stomach. There is no elastic in the waist band so they either fit or they don't. Well, with the tummy control panties they fit, but with a massive pantyline. It will be a no win situation until some but fat disappears or my stomach goes down a bit more.

Also, while i love the No Pudge brownies with the same passion I love all brownies, I am not too keen on the raspberry flavoring. This makes me sad because I love raspberry and brownies so I thought they would be heavenly.

Anyway, I am off to lunch - I am starving and have tuna.

Jolly Time Minis

My new favorite snack is Jolly Time Healthy Pop Minis.
Microwave popcorn is one of my favorite salty snacks. First, I like the butter already on them because air popped butter makes the corn all soggy. Second, it doesn't take as long as air popped. Third, the servings are all measured out for me.
These mini bags make popcorn even better because they are one simple serving - no measuring cups no intense math - just simple point counting.
There is 9 grams of fiber in each bag - thats a whole lotta fiber! As I understand it, Weight Watchers desires that I don't count more than 4 grams through. I did the math for both the 4 and the 9 grams. Based on 4 grams of fiber, it is one point for the entire bag. Basedon on the 9 grams of fiber, it is ZERO points! Well, it's more like .366666 of a point, but even half a point is good!
Plus the bag is the perfect size snack. I can eat a whole bag, feel satisfied, and cure salt cravings.
My word of advice on popping said bag- no more than 1 min and 45 seconds. I didn't think about it, set my microwave's popcorn setting, and a week later I still smell it and am washing it out of my microwave.

Diet Soda - It's a nasty habit

For the record, I hate hate hate diet cola. I actually hate any "diet" drink. I especially hate diet coke because of the nasty ass after-taste. Oh, you know it! When I was 15 my mother tried to convert me, but I gave up after a month because if I was going to destroy my body with syrup infested, carbonated beverages I was going to do it with the real stuff. I will add a note that my favorite said beverage is Cherry Coke, Dr. Pepper, and Chocolate and Vanilla Coke (both the chocolate or vanilla being added by hand, not by machine). I was excited with Coke came out with premade vanilla coke, but it left me feeling the same way I felt when I found a tupperware of my baby teeth in my mothers dresser. Don't ask what I was doing in her dresser - my need to snoop is another issue altogether.
So, Diet-Blog posted an entry about the relation between diet coke drinkers and being overweight and I really want to say that deep down I knew this. In the past 18 months have given up most soda in favor of water, apple juice, and decaf ice tea. Every so often OJ gets in there, but never a flavored water. I also indulge in cherry coke and Dr.P every so often. I am also interested in this Diet Coke with Spelnda, but I dont expect it to taste better than the crapfest called Diet Coke.
Back to the original point - it all got me thinking of the other obesse people I know/knew. One girl I knew in college, Tri we shall call her, was a diet coke adict. She bought cases of the stuff on a weekly basis. That was it though - that was her diet! What was the point then? Actually, many people I know do exactly that - they drink diet coke and eat whatever they damn well please. It makes me happy that I don't like diet colas, at least I can delude myself into thinking diet coke will help me loose weight. I still want to taste the slenda infused diet coke before I write it off - its always best to try something before you poo-poo it.

This Week - take 2

BACON! I am a bacon freak - I claim my passion for bacon. I love real bacon and I love turkey bacon. I prefer it cooked in a skillet filled with its own fat, but I will eat it microwaved. I detest processed, fake bacon bits, but I love real ones that are in surprisingly large bits. I love the fat, I love the meat, I love it all. I prefer a smoked bacon, mostly a maple smoked bacon. I can't stand overly fatty bacon. I never eat bacon because of this deep love for it.
My freshman year at college my roommate was a millitant dieter. She had lost over 100lbs herself and gave up all red meat as a result. She loved Snackwells (I recall that was the year they came on the market) with the same passion I have for bacon. Well, except that she use to keep boxes of cookies in her bed while I have never taken bacon to that place. The point is that she was fascinated with how food controls us through memory. We eat things for specific memory triggers. If this is true then my bacon love is a combination of denial and some other weird emotions. First, I am Jewish and while we were not kosher keepers, my mother did not care for pork products. This rule went out the window when it came to breakfast. Sausage and bacon were key parts of breakfast. We rarely ate them in the house simply because we weren't big on breakfast at the house, but when we ate out it was no hold barred. So there is the forbiden fruit element - I love it because I shouldn't. THe other weird emotion comes in from family camping trips. They were not my favorite family vacation, but breakfast ALWAYS included bacon, which is interesting since we were all Jews. Regardless, bacon reminds me of camping and despite my unhappiness at having been camping, I seem to enjoy the memories.
Today when I am comfronted with bacon my primal desires kick the crap out of any rational mind and I tend to overdo myself. For example, Sunday my book club met for brunch at a local restaurant. I reaffirmed my love for bacon by having more than a few strips. I also indulged in bisciuts and gravy (mmmm with the sausage bits), a cookie, an omlet (that I didnt finish), some fruit, potatoes, etc. I was proud that I didn't finish the omlette and that I included fruit (yummy summer fruits on the buffet). Normally I would have had the french toast, all of the omlette and much more bacon. I did well the rest of the day as well considering the size of my breakfast - snacks rather than lunch and a bagel for dinner. I just wasn't hungry. Also, the excessive heat over the weekend tends to make me more thirsty than hungry.
Today I also did poorly as I was too lazy to make myself dinner before I left for work (its a late night for me). I ordered in a sub and got steak and cheese rather than something a bit better for me. So I have decided that I am going to start the week over tomorrow... er tonight.
Step 1: have mom send me my swimming gear
Step 2: walk away the lbs tonight - even if its just 15 min mile.
Step 3: now that I have $37.50 for the gym membership I will join and go swim

I am climbing my sit up ladder. I can now do 35 mindnumbing sit ups. I look forward to the day when 35 will seem like nothing and 50 will make my ab(s) explode. There has to be some muscle growing because rather than one blog of stomach I now see some sort of tent like ab when I do my sit ups.

Tomorrow I will update you on my snacking at work saga - things are looking good thanks to some new options.

Weigh In

I weighted in today: 0.6
This was after my trip to NYC - it was a minivacation even though I was there for work. While I did walk the 7 miles (and over 5 more since i returned), I still ate a lot while I was there. So, to loose was very very good.

I didn't stay for the meeting, I had to be back at work. Honestly, I am still flying high from my last bit of motivation (see previous entry).

My bathing suit arrived as well - now I can go swimming to get some exercise. I need to come up with $32 though - its not a lot, but I dont have that much to spare at the moment.

New Motivations and NYC reflection

I rarely get to see all of my family. My father loves to play with his camera. As a result I tend to see more pictures of family members than actual family members themselves. Recently my Aunt S came to visit the family. Aunt S and I are very much alike - very independnt, but afraid of opening ourselves up to people. When we let people in we really do let them in, but it takes a while to get there. Also, we both seem to be afraid of men and use our weight as a sheild to avoid having relationships with men. I still recall her fawning over men, but never having a relationship. It bothers me that I am so much like her and it was my own re-realization of this that has helped motivate me to change my life. Aunt S currently live alone in the midwest and life has finally take a turn in a good direction for her.
Anyway, my father sent me some pictures of their visit with her. I saw a few things that really gave me new motivation to loose weight and get in shape. First, the arm fat on Aunt S is so bad that it looks like she has two upper arms. You can see the fat spilling out of her t-shirt sleeves. Second, on both my Aunt S and her sister Aunt A, is the full-frontal wedgie. Its when the fat on your theighs is so abundant and your pants are so tight it looks like you have a wedgie in front.
These pictures were so sad, so disgusting.
It gave me new motivation to loose weight and keep it off.

Sit Ups: 30 (goal is 100)
NYC Walking: 7 miles in 5 days
Eating in NYC:
- I only got ice cream once
- Dim Sum is steamed and most of what I ate had shrimp
- Tapas was probably not as good for me as I would like it to be
- I drank more water than I could count
- I did not snack, but at meals
- At the conference I avoided all the junk food except 1 small penguine gummy candy

I did come home and go right back to the 1 mile Walk Away the Pounds program, but thats just to get me back to where I was. Also, good choices have been made at the supermarket - turkey from the deli, no pudge brownies, etc.