My friend Mandy has decided to start weight watchers. Neither of us can afford meetings, but we are going to do it together and Firday mornings is our "weigh in" day. I have a scale of my own as does she so I have been giving her some of my material since I have some extra stuff.
Its difficult to do weight watchers without support... no, it's nearly impossible. I can't afford meetings and that just screws me up. Hopefully having a friend to talk to about it will help me.
As for swimming - I went on vacation and it threw me off. I have to get moving again and get back in the water.
I can do it - I just have to remember what I am doing it for.
Saturday, September 03, 2005
Monday, August 15, 2005
Being Accountable for My Choices
I am learning that it is important that one be accountable for their choices. It is important to be able to justify why we made the choices we made. I have been contacted by someone I havent spoken to in 10 years. I happen to remember why we stopped speaking, but she does not. She also still thinks of me as the girl I was 10 years ago. I have responded to her emails and I feel that it is important for her to understand who I am vs. who I was. Part of what I have left out is the one thing I am ashamed of: my weight.
She already wants to see me when I go home for Thanksgiving. I have until then to loose some weight. I have been very lax these past few weeks. I have had other things on my mind. I have gained a good 50 lbs in the 10 years. I don't intend to try and loose all of that, but 10 or 15 would be nice. I will need to swim when I get back from my vacation and get back on the WW plan even if I am not going to meetings.
She already wants to see me when I go home for Thanksgiving. I have until then to loose some weight. I have been very lax these past few weeks. I have had other things on my mind. I have gained a good 50 lbs in the 10 years. I don't intend to try and loose all of that, but 10 or 15 would be nice. I will need to swim when I get back from my vacation and get back on the WW plan even if I am not going to meetings.
Thursday, July 28, 2005
It's hard
Seasons effect me in different ways. In the summer it is really easy for me to go swimming because it is so hot out. Just being in the water is a nice change. At the same time, the last thing I want to do is cook during a heat wave. It just makes it hotter to have the stove or oven on. This past week has been a good example of this, the last thing I wanted to do was cook. I ate out two nights in a row because I was so hot. Also, being in the car means being in the AC. The winter will be the exact opposite. I won't want to swim because it will be so cold and dark when I get to swim and I will want to cook because the heat from the over and stove warms up the kitchen. It's just the way it is.
Today will be an interesting test though, it's cold out. It's only cold by summer standards - low 70s. After mid-90s all week, the drop is a shock to my system. Will I be tempted to head home and into my bed to snuggle or will I get my butt to the pool and suffer the chill that comes with wet hair? I have a little over an hour to decide...
Today will be an interesting test though, it's cold out. It's only cold by summer standards - low 70s. After mid-90s all week, the drop is a shock to my system. Will I be tempted to head home and into my bed to snuggle or will I get my butt to the pool and suffer the chill that comes with wet hair? I have a little over an hour to decide...
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
It's over - I sang
I no longer have a weekend job. I am so happy to be able to say that, so happy to have that stress removed from my life, just so happy. As a result of this change, my whole routine has changed. Now that I can go out again I am. I can go out to eat with friends, go see movies with friends, etc. For example, on Saturday night when my last shift ended, I met some friends for a night of trivia at a local restaurant. They love to do trivia and took me with them this time. We ate dinner and sat at the bar for the night as the trivia games were played. It was fun, but I ate pizza and drank soda all night (which is better than alcoholic beverages, but still not as good as water). I realized this week that I am going to have to alter my eating again.
1) I have to take my swimming into account. As I said before, I am very hungry after I swim. Debra reminded me that I need to be prepared for the hunger. Since I am swimming every day I think I can use those activity points to add some food back into my diet (thank you weight watchers for allowing us to list activity points and then use them to eat more). I have hesitated to do this before, hoping I would loose weight faster, but I think it's more important to fit swimming into my routine properly. I am in week 4 and this is the critical week where I usually start cutting back on how often I work out until i am not working out at all.
2) I have to take movies and dinners out into account. I can not socialize and not eat. I want food when I see a movie, I want to enjoy myself when I go out with friends. I did this last year without a problem so I should be able to find a place for these activities now.
3) Having weekends free in general will effect my eating. I will not have the temptation and easy access of donuts, but I will have other things like boredom. I must return to counting points and keeping track of things.
Now that I have less stress I can also go back to my blog reading, something I have been very bad about over the past few weeks. It's catchup and comment time!
1) I have to take my swimming into account. As I said before, I am very hungry after I swim. Debra reminded me that I need to be prepared for the hunger. Since I am swimming every day I think I can use those activity points to add some food back into my diet (thank you weight watchers for allowing us to list activity points and then use them to eat more). I have hesitated to do this before, hoping I would loose weight faster, but I think it's more important to fit swimming into my routine properly. I am in week 4 and this is the critical week where I usually start cutting back on how often I work out until i am not working out at all.
2) I have to take movies and dinners out into account. I can not socialize and not eat. I want food when I see a movie, I want to enjoy myself when I go out with friends. I did this last year without a problem so I should be able to find a place for these activities now.
3) Having weekends free in general will effect my eating. I will not have the temptation and easy access of donuts, but I will have other things like boredom. I must return to counting points and keeping track of things.
Now that I have less stress I can also go back to my blog reading, something I have been very bad about over the past few weeks. It's catchup and comment time!
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
I just want to eat
I have not been very mature this week, I just keep eating. I am eating proper foods, but I am not controling it. I think it has to do with my frustration with time not passing fast enough. I have one more shift at my weekend job and these past few shifts, since I gave my notice, have been more stressful than any other shift. They changed my schedule at the last minute on last Saturday, the guy who covers me when I am on my break allowed someone to pump after their credit card was not read. I had to stop that drive off and then I had another one because he wasn't around to help me watch during a busy period. I just don't understand why they dont require prepaying pumps. I think it solves so many problems! Anyway, I am so excited about the last shift. I can ignore Dunkin Dognuts when I am not there all weekend.
I am still swimming. If I can get past the one month mark I will be very happy. I usually do not stick with workouts for more than a month. I think the key is to get obsessed with it - well for me it probably is. I have had to order a new bathing suit. The one I have been wearing is tearing at the bra lining. Its a brand new suit so I called Lane Bryant's Catalog (I will deal with that issue another day) and they are sending me a whole new suit. I selected a totally different suit, something with a higher neck. I am not use to a low neck line so I constantly feel like my boobs are popping out - it's not comfortable at all. The new one looked like it had a higher neck line so let's cross our fingers that it does. I am also getting better with my swimming. First, I am swimming 1200 meters in a little over a half hour now. My father swims about twice as much in 45 minutes so I want to be able to do 45 minute workouts and maybe do that many laps - especially by the time I go home to visit them again. I am also doing flip turns! This has been very difficult because it requires a certain level of stamina that I barely have. I am not struggling for breath like I was when I first started, but I am still not at my ideal stamina. As a reward for being so dedicated my parents have sent me some water gloves with webbing between the fingers. This will help me with my strokes, it will pull them through the water faster.
My swimming has also effected my eating and I realized that it was always like this. I leave my workout exhausted and starving. Making up for this has also caused the above problem. I just eat when I get home. Today is the first day I haven't brought food into the den after my work out. Maybe I can act mature for the rest of the week and not gorge after workouts.
I am still swimming. If I can get past the one month mark I will be very happy. I usually do not stick with workouts for more than a month. I think the key is to get obsessed with it - well for me it probably is. I have had to order a new bathing suit. The one I have been wearing is tearing at the bra lining. Its a brand new suit so I called Lane Bryant's Catalog (I will deal with that issue another day) and they are sending me a whole new suit. I selected a totally different suit, something with a higher neck. I am not use to a low neck line so I constantly feel like my boobs are popping out - it's not comfortable at all. The new one looked like it had a higher neck line so let's cross our fingers that it does. I am also getting better with my swimming. First, I am swimming 1200 meters in a little over a half hour now. My father swims about twice as much in 45 minutes so I want to be able to do 45 minute workouts and maybe do that many laps - especially by the time I go home to visit them again. I am also doing flip turns! This has been very difficult because it requires a certain level of stamina that I barely have. I am not struggling for breath like I was when I first started, but I am still not at my ideal stamina. As a reward for being so dedicated my parents have sent me some water gloves with webbing between the fingers. This will help me with my strokes, it will pull them through the water faster.
My swimming has also effected my eating and I realized that it was always like this. I leave my workout exhausted and starving. Making up for this has also caused the above problem. I just eat when I get home. Today is the first day I haven't brought food into the den after my work out. Maybe I can act mature for the rest of the week and not gorge after workouts.
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
The Stress....
I have been under a lot of stress for the past few days, mostly extended family related. I have been trying my best to not turn to food to help me through this and rather turn to something healtier. I admit I haven't been very successful with that goal. I have been swimming though and since my arms are no longer sore I have been able to swim a bit faster. By the end of July I would really like to have the stamina to do some flipturns though. I have also given my two week notice at my weekend job - the job where I spend much of my time eating donuts. I decided to give up trying to avoid them for the next three shifts because in trying to avoid them I just eat more. Maybe if I just eat donuts and muffins when I want them then I will be better off; I will do less damage if you will.
I have made a decision that I will probably not be weighing in until I am done at the gas station job. I am going to go to meetings for the support, but in general I am just going to avoid the weight in so I don't discourage myself. I just have to keep swimming and I eating properly the rest of the week. Maybe, if I feel as if it will be a good day, I will weight in this week. I just don't know right now... I have to get rid of the stress for the moment.
I have made a decision that I will probably not be weighing in until I am done at the gas station job. I am going to go to meetings for the support, but in general I am just going to avoid the weight in so I don't discourage myself. I just have to keep swimming and I eating properly the rest of the week. Maybe, if I feel as if it will be a good day, I will weight in this week. I just don't know right now... I have to get rid of the stress for the moment.
Thursday, June 30, 2005
It's just not healthy
I happen to live with an interesting family situation. My parents and sister live on the other side of the country from me, but the rest of my mothers family lives less than 2 hours away from me (the closest being my grandparents who just live an hour away). As a result, I don't spend a lot of holidays with my parents, but rather with my extended family. I moved to Massachussetts because I had family here, family that is close to each other. When I came to visit as a child I always felt like I was missing out on something because I didn't live here. I am not sure what I expect from my extended family, but in the past 3.5 years that I have lived here I know that I don't like them or myself when I am with them.
For example, with my parents there is a more equal division of labor. My father is in charge of cleaning up after dinner when my mother cooks. With my extended family it's like they are stuck in the 1950s. The women do it all and then hire other women to help them clean up after a meal while the men just sit and watch TV. Every so often a man may help with something, but in general it's tv for the men. I am a feminist - I can't stand the idea of men doing nothing while women work. It shocked the hell out of me to see this when I first moved here. I would make a point of sitting with the men because I was going to protest the traditional gender roles. I hate sports, but damn it, I was protesting! Eventually I learned that if I drank to the point of being drunk it would silence the internal feminist and allow me to at least enjoy the evening and help. All the alcohol also made me hungrier and made me eat more at family events. It didn't help that they make enough food to feed an army, that they pick all evening and have multiple courses with long breaks between each one so we can digest and have room for more. The alcohol not only silences the feminist, but also the responsible eater in me.
Recently I have realized that I can't continue with this. First of all, it throws me off when I eat these big meals. It's not healthy for me to eat so much. Second, it's not healthy that I drink so much. Forget the issue of feeling I have to drink with my family, the calories in alcoholic beverages throws me off as well. Third, the issue of feeling like I have to drink is horrible - it's boarderline alcoholism. I don't usually drink at all so for me to go from zero to, what I call, familial alcoholism is not healthy. Fourth, the stress that comes out of these family events is not healthy. I am not necessarily a stress eater, but stress in general is not healthy.
So, the final decision is this: NO MORE. No more family dinners, no more drinking, no more over eating, no more stressing. Unless my parents are in town I will be avoiding all family events. I will still go visit my grandparents, but I am going to make other plans for traditional family events. First up, the Jewish high holidays. What usually results in about 3 dinners in two weeks will now be NONE. It's not like I even practice Judaism anymore - I am an atheist. I only go to the dinners for the food. Next, Thanksgiving: back home to see my parents. Third, Passover: I have been invited to visit my best friend next Passover. We plan on not doing anything, but we will be doing nothing together. Fourth, Mother's Day: in theory next year I would like to be with my mother for mother's day. The added excuse - gas prices are too high for me to just go see them for a simple dinner. If they actually want to see me they know where I live and can mapquest me.
For example, with my parents there is a more equal division of labor. My father is in charge of cleaning up after dinner when my mother cooks. With my extended family it's like they are stuck in the 1950s. The women do it all and then hire other women to help them clean up after a meal while the men just sit and watch TV. Every so often a man may help with something, but in general it's tv for the men. I am a feminist - I can't stand the idea of men doing nothing while women work. It shocked the hell out of me to see this when I first moved here. I would make a point of sitting with the men because I was going to protest the traditional gender roles. I hate sports, but damn it, I was protesting! Eventually I learned that if I drank to the point of being drunk it would silence the internal feminist and allow me to at least enjoy the evening and help. All the alcohol also made me hungrier and made me eat more at family events. It didn't help that they make enough food to feed an army, that they pick all evening and have multiple courses with long breaks between each one so we can digest and have room for more. The alcohol not only silences the feminist, but also the responsible eater in me.
Recently I have realized that I can't continue with this. First of all, it throws me off when I eat these big meals. It's not healthy for me to eat so much. Second, it's not healthy that I drink so much. Forget the issue of feeling I have to drink with my family, the calories in alcoholic beverages throws me off as well. Third, the issue of feeling like I have to drink is horrible - it's boarderline alcoholism. I don't usually drink at all so for me to go from zero to, what I call, familial alcoholism is not healthy. Fourth, the stress that comes out of these family events is not healthy. I am not necessarily a stress eater, but stress in general is not healthy.
So, the final decision is this: NO MORE. No more family dinners, no more drinking, no more over eating, no more stressing. Unless my parents are in town I will be avoiding all family events. I will still go visit my grandparents, but I am going to make other plans for traditional family events. First up, the Jewish high holidays. What usually results in about 3 dinners in two weeks will now be NONE. It's not like I even practice Judaism anymore - I am an atheist. I only go to the dinners for the food. Next, Thanksgiving: back home to see my parents. Third, Passover: I have been invited to visit my best friend next Passover. We plan on not doing anything, but we will be doing nothing together. Fourth, Mother's Day: in theory next year I would like to be with my mother for mother's day. The added excuse - gas prices are too high for me to just go see them for a simple dinner. If they actually want to see me they know where I live and can mapquest me.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Seeing the difference
Of the family photos at my desk, I am in all of them. There are two that are right above my computer monitor that show me when I started my weight loss in January 2004 and the other one shows me after 20lbs off 6 months later. The only difference you can see if in my face. In the later picture you can see some of the original lines in my face, those that had already lost the shaplessness of fat. I have high cheekbones, but you would never really know that. I remember last year when I had lost so much weight. I would look in the mirror and for the first time see the changes in my body rather than expereincing the change in size through clothes. I became bolder with my clothing at that time, something I have retained even as I began to put the weight back on and then take it off again. In picture one I am wearing a shapeless blouse and my hair is long. In picture two I am actually in formal clothing. Rather than black, I selected a bright apple red top and I went sleeveless. This was actually at a wedding and I started the evening with a matching shawl, but by the end of the night I was drunk enough to feel comfortable without it and to actually dance with someone other than my father (what, what, what?). My hair was short then and while it can be a pain to take care of, I think I like myself better thinner with short hair. I wish I had some extra money to get a haircut with because I think I am ready to chop it all off again. Actually, I am ready to return to that phase in my weight loss and then take it even further because I want to see what my face really looks like under all this fat.
My swimming is coming along. I have decided that if I can stick with it for over a month (until the end of July) then I will start investing money in it (assuming I have some to do so with).
My swimming is coming along. I have decided that if I can stick with it for over a month (until the end of July) then I will start investing money in it (assuming I have some to do so with).
Monday, June 27, 2005
New Goal Reached
I have been swimming for a week now and for a week I have managed to swim 1,000 meters. It was tough to begin, but now things are feeling much more natural. Now I just need to work on sticking to this workout so I can build more stamina. So I am canceling out one goal and replacing it with being able to do the 1,000 meters in a half hour. For anyone who may be curious what my beginners routine is, here you go:
Warm Up: 50 meters each Freestyle (Crawl), Breaststroke, Backstroke
Main: 100 meters Freestyle, 100 meters Breaststroke, 50 meters Backstroke
Using kickboard: 50 meters breaststoke kick and 50 meters freestyle kick until you have completed 200 meters (100 meters of each in total)
50 meters Backstroke, 100 meters Breaststroke, 100 meters Freestyle
Warmdown:50 meters each Backstroke, Breaststroke, Freestyle
I think this is a good workout for those who are just starting with swimming. Don't try to stick to the 30 minute time limit - I am only there out of luck and the reminants of my childhood swim team training.
Now all I need is this water proof MP3 player. Help me earn the money for it by clicking on the Google ads.
Thanks to everyone who sent me comments over the weekend, especially Rick! Congrats on your own signifigant weight loss. Your right, there is no magic dounut waiting for me. I have to bake it myself...
Warm Up: 50 meters each Freestyle (Crawl), Breaststroke, Backstroke
Main: 100 meters Freestyle, 100 meters Breaststroke, 50 meters Backstroke
Using kickboard: 50 meters breaststoke kick and 50 meters freestyle kick until you have completed 200 meters (100 meters of each in total)
50 meters Backstroke, 100 meters Breaststroke, 100 meters Freestyle
Warmdown:50 meters each Backstroke, Breaststroke, Freestyle
I think this is a good workout for those who are just starting with swimming. Don't try to stick to the 30 minute time limit - I am only there out of luck and the reminants of my childhood swim team training.
Now all I need is this water proof MP3 player. Help me earn the money for it by clicking on the Google ads.
Thanks to everyone who sent me comments over the weekend, especially Rick! Congrats on your own signifigant weight loss. Your right, there is no magic dounut waiting for me. I have to bake it myself...
Friday, June 24, 2005
Post Weigh-In Reflections
I was down 1.2lbs today to bring me to my first 5 lbs. After all the swimming to make up for my dounut gorge last weekend I am pleased with the results. I am glad to finally reach one goal and be able to set another.
We had a meeting that was to focus on the cost of trying to loose weight - just the cost of food actually. It wasn't really inspiring to me, but like with all meetings, I had one nugget of knowledge to keep in mind. A lifetime member had come to the meeting and it turns out that she actually lost a significant number of lbs when trying to maintain. She explained that she ate poorly last weekend and made up for it during the week by eating less. Her point was that when you have been trying to loose weight for so long it is difficult to give it up. I thought this was very insightful and on point. Maybe this is part of the reason why people can't keep weight off. It brought to mind something a different leader said that a lot of people allow fat to become familiar. We don't know who we are without being fat. So much of my identity has to do with my weight - the way I interact with people, the way I define what I like to do; it all revolves around my weight.
Last year when I first started loosing weight I use to think that once it happened I would be a new person inside as well as out. What I have realized since then is that the weight loss won't magically make me a new person, I have to work just as hard at that as well. If I don't I will always be a fat girl - I will stop the weight loss and gain it all back because I can't remember being anything but a fat girl. In the end, I wonder if I will have a problem letting go of the weight loss process. I will probably be doing it for over a year and I will be comfortable with the process. Will I be able to give it up when all is said and done?
I have had a crummy day since I left my meeting. I was making a deposit of a paycheck that was not as large as I expected and some guy blocked me into my parking spot. He was actually the person behind me at the ATM. So I waited for him to finish before i got pissy. He took his time and when he got in his car he just sat there talking on the phone! I honked my horn, laid on it for a bit and he just rolled up his window and ignored me. He sat there for a whole minute blocking me in the spot. Some nice guy pulled up next to him and told him to move so I could get out of my spot. Thank you to that man, but what the fuck was up with the blocker? Please tell me why anyone would do that? I know i should presume innocence, but could someone really be that dense?
Finally, I want to say thank you to Debra who commented on my last entry. I like the idea of reverse anorexia. It also makes me feel better that I am not the only one with this kind of body misconception. I would love to hear from others who experience the same thing.
We had a meeting that was to focus on the cost of trying to loose weight - just the cost of food actually. It wasn't really inspiring to me, but like with all meetings, I had one nugget of knowledge to keep in mind. A lifetime member had come to the meeting and it turns out that she actually lost a significant number of lbs when trying to maintain. She explained that she ate poorly last weekend and made up for it during the week by eating less. Her point was that when you have been trying to loose weight for so long it is difficult to give it up. I thought this was very insightful and on point. Maybe this is part of the reason why people can't keep weight off. It brought to mind something a different leader said that a lot of people allow fat to become familiar. We don't know who we are without being fat. So much of my identity has to do with my weight - the way I interact with people, the way I define what I like to do; it all revolves around my weight.
Last year when I first started loosing weight I use to think that once it happened I would be a new person inside as well as out. What I have realized since then is that the weight loss won't magically make me a new person, I have to work just as hard at that as well. If I don't I will always be a fat girl - I will stop the weight loss and gain it all back because I can't remember being anything but a fat girl. In the end, I wonder if I will have a problem letting go of the weight loss process. I will probably be doing it for over a year and I will be comfortable with the process. Will I be able to give it up when all is said and done?
I have had a crummy day since I left my meeting. I was making a deposit of a paycheck that was not as large as I expected and some guy blocked me into my parking spot. He was actually the person behind me at the ATM. So I waited for him to finish before i got pissy. He took his time and when he got in his car he just sat there talking on the phone! I honked my horn, laid on it for a bit and he just rolled up his window and ignored me. He sat there for a whole minute blocking me in the spot. Some nice guy pulled up next to him and told him to move so I could get out of my spot. Thank you to that man, but what the fuck was up with the blocker? Please tell me why anyone would do that? I know i should presume innocence, but could someone really be that dense?
Finally, I want to say thank you to Debra who commented on my last entry. I like the idea of reverse anorexia. It also makes me feel better that I am not the only one with this kind of body misconception. I would love to hear from others who experience the same thing.
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